A Modest Beer Proposal

Reader Contribution by Kellan Bartosch
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“Are you going to Beerfest?” queried a frat-tastic friend of mine when referring to an event in Nashville, Tenn. actually titled The Science of Beer. His pop-culture moniker for the event brings to mind Germans guzzling from Das Boot and slobbering on the bare chests of lederhosen-clad vixens. Not quite what the brain trust behind The Science of Beer had in mind I’m sure. Still, the learning event didn’t exactly aspire to the level of quantum physics. This is the paradox of beer festivals. They are one of the only opportunities for the masses to be exposed to the glorious variety of beer beyond triple-hopped brewed, drinkability (insert BS mass advertising here) and for that I am grateful. However, they rarely resemble anything more than a high school kegger with tastier beer (… at least in the South, where I live).

If I sound like a judgmental bastard it’s because I am. I happen to be next of kin to a world class brewer and am in the beer business myself. I’ve dug my nose into books on the history and stories of beer and recently paid $70 to take an exam to become the 1,066th person to get a certificate proclaiming my expertise on the subject (god that sounded cool). I am going to get it framed soon and plan on having business cards made as well; I expect a serious boost in sexual activity directly after. So at least I have a solid foundation to be an a-hole right?

Now that you know I am legit, allow me to begin beating the dead horse. We must start with a history of beer and specifically our country’s. Beer is thought to be mistakenly (divinely?) discovered in the fertile crescent, possibly by Egyptians, who left some bread or grain out in the rain. This produced a stanky water full of fermentable sugars created by a halted germination from the grains that were then consumed by wild yeasts turning them into alcohol and carbon dioxide producing an au naturale beer. It would not be malty/sweet and probably tasted like garbage, but got you messed up. When a lucky fellow was bold enough to drink this concoction after a dare, he got a wicked buzz and told the Pharaoh’s wife he wanted to see her naked and woke up with cottonmouth (in the desert!) on top of the Sphinx.

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